doing ballet growing up in a rural area made me latch on to all things ballet even if they were awful, like Disney’s the Nutcracker featuring Macaulay Culkin from the 90’s. i was thrilled to learn earlier this week that Misty Copeland is partnering with Disney for a new Nutcracker film.
#SayHerName: Korryn Gaines and the Erasure of Violence Against Black Women. also, this thread is fire.
so, like. this is for feminist men (i just shuddered while i typed that so, take it for what it is) who are dating. but… despite being super cis and hetero it does a super bang up job talking about attachment and autonomy within (dating) relationships. i kind of consider attachment to be my jam at the moment (it’s where i’m learning the most about myself right now) but i learned a lot whole reading this. could not recommend enough.
i’m currently re-watching Parenthood (the little show that could produced by Jason Katims who also executive produced FNL) and the show put back into my orbit this song. ps. i need more people to watch Parenthood so we can talk about it. it is super compelling TV.
this week has been busy for me and i am super stressed, therefore, this link dump is rather lacking. i realize all i’ve been doing is link dumping since i started the blog. i’m having a hard time being vulnerable on the internets. also, did i mention i’m STRESSED?!
for the past couple of months i have been super into Troye Sivan. he’s a youtuber turned pop star from down under and is super cute. he released this video last week that’s a remix of his song WILD ft. Alessia Cara. so precious.
Angie (given name Angelica, aka fartbag, goopy, bb, bb-A, Ange, Anhellica, cutie, gremlin) has been in my life for 6 months today! i can’t believe it. the past six months have been full of love and doubt and puke and a whole bunch of learning. when i adopted Angie i knew i had a lot of love to give and was committed to improving her quality of life. having a heart beat to come home to has been wonderful, (plus sharing life with a cat ups my spinster status) but i had no idea that loving and caring for Angie would be an act where i also would learn to love myself a little better, too.
if you know me and therefore, probably Angie, then you probably know she had a tumultuous start to her life. she came from a house where she lived with 66 other cats (you can read more about it and watch a video here but please know it is a hard on the heart) for the first part of her life and when we found each other she was in rough shape. her hair was all shaved off due to fleas and ear mites, she was underweight and malnourished, she had an ear and eye infection, she came to the spca missing some teeth and then had to have some more removed later. she has allergies and chronic kitty cough. she did not know how to be held, she did not know how to trust. she did not know how to accept care and love.
she came home with me and i tried my best to give her space and not to overwhelm her while also letting her know i was interested in helping her out and wasn’t going anywhere. she spent a lot of her time camped out underneath my dresser, in my dresser and any other cramped warm space she could figure out. giving her her meds was hard. sometimes my brother would come help me and coax her out of hiding to have her meds and play for a bit. she was skittish and jumpy and only wanted to be touched on her terms which happened rarely. eating was another endeavour. no matter how much i broke up her meals and gave her food consistently she ate with the kind of fervour one only has when you don’t know when your next meal is coming.
Angie’s way of coping as well the time it has taken her to navigate her new home was and still is something that causes me doubt sometimes. as i look back at a message thread i had (and still have) going with two cat mom friends i had so much doubt in Angie and also myself. i thought she was always going to be a reserved, skittish, kitty. i thought we were going to be two separate entities living together but not directly interacting with each other. i thought i would be cleaning up cat puke forever. i thought Angie’s trauma had gotten the best of her. i thought no matter how hard i tried, my own trauma had got the best of me and i was not fit to care for this tiny creature.
time, patience, space, love and care are wonderful things. slowly but surely Angie came around. there was a moment where i stuck my hand out and she let me pet her and i thought to myself, we’re gonna be alright.
Angie reminds me all the got damn time that everybody is deserving of time and space and figuring things out on their own terms. there is no end point in the process of recovery/healing/trying to live well— whatever you want to call it. sometimes, she still thinks she’s never gonna eat again, eats her food too fast and gets sick. other times, she’s in mangey kitten mode and i watch her crawl out from under my dresser or a drawer (i swear ta god some day she’s gonna get stuck) even though she is now more than double the weight she was when she came home with me. she acts accordingly based on super valid experiences but i don’t see these as regressive acts. they make sense for her. just like the way i navigate the world makes sense for me and we both don’t need to be apologetic about it. they both don’t make us any less deserving of being known, taking up space, loved and not given up on.
the learning and lessons Angie brings me by virtue of her just being are things i already *know* but have been important for me to be reminded of and also live daily. and, yup. she is just a cat and maybe this is a little much and i’m reading too far into this having a pet thing. but. it works for me and it’s working for her. my cat mom pride is strong and glows when people come to visit and she is curious and wants to put herself out there and be known by a friend or pal of mine. and that seems like a good thing to me, regardless of how we got here.
oof. things i’ve had floating around in my brain for a bit and pondering. this guts magazine piece SELF CARE AND JUSTICE FOR ALL? complicates how we think about and take part in self care. (thanks for putting it into my orbit, a!)
i never grew up in michigan or illinois but i grew up in a small town on sufjan and this post from Rookie gave me a lotta feels.
this week i made these, they were delish and i’m thinking that this summer will be a summer of desserts.
Alok Vaid-Menon is one half of the trans south asian performance art duo Darkmatter. last week they decided they would take photos of what they are wearing and write notes and responses and reflections to the people who harass them. they are incredibly powerful and compelling (those descriptors feel so… insensitive and not enough but that’s all i can think of) and every time one of them has come across my insta feed i am doing my best to take pause and reflect on being cis, white, the transphobia/misogyny that lives inside me, what’s at stake and what i can do about it all.
tunes. hannah georgas just released her album for evelyn, named after her grandmother. i’m digging it. i’m always listening to Lemonade and it’s always feeling brand new and exciting and needed (ps. Bey released the video for sorry on its own last week). also. i don’t know how chance the rapper found me but i’m digging his new-ish album coloring book.
my friend k, was in town for a wedding and let me have a lend of this (before they were even done reading it themselves!) and i have been gleefully nerding out the past couple of days.
i’ve been trying to start a blog since i moved to the city in september. that day in september when i decided i should start one i took an amazing selfie and wrote a bunch of words down about leaving a place i had learned to call home and what i wanted for myself in the up coming year. some of what i wrote included:
what does it mean to be on my own? what does it mean to be really alone, to have chosen it for myself, for the first time, in arguably my whole life? i don’t think i really know. and it feels daunting and scary as hell, but… i hope it means re-learning what taking care of myself looks like. i hope it means writing down lots of things even if they’re the most mundane so that i can look back and remember. i hope it means paying acute attention to how i am feeling, why i’m feeling and what i should do about it, if i do anything, and honouring it to the fullest, while of course, writing it down. … to continuing to and hopefully more often speak hard truths.
a lot of those words still ring true and are nice to revisit and reflect on. the truth is, i’ve always had a hard time keeping a journal or putting my words out there. they’ve never seemed important enough, smart enough, original enough or, i’ve convinced myself that i’ll remember whatever i’ve been contemplating (ha!)
so here i am and i actually don’t know what i’m doing but i’m going to give it a go. patience and understanding would be lovely and gratefully received.
things i wanna try to speak to in this space: Angie, trauma, therapy updates, Beyoncé, crafty things, intentional community and healing, feminism, spinsterhood (being a homebody, recluse, etc), things that make me happy, anger, femme magic and care work, self care, disability stuff, staying soft in a world that wants to make you hard, navigating being a half decent person when you’ve got a lot of privilege and i’m sure as i get going on here, some other things.
do y’all have any other ideas/suggestions for me?
thanks for reading and starting out this weird endeavour with me.
here’s to writing things down and speaking hard truths,
ps. checking out the faq might be a good thing to do.