how old are you?
where are you from? where do you live?
i was born and have lived all over unceded Mi’kmaq territory. someday i will elaborate more.
what pronouns do you prefer?
yup. just figured that out and have been naming it rather recently.
uh huh. i am tender and magical and hold shit down!
traumatized? disabled? what the?
eventually there will probably be a post about this but for now i’ll say i live with ptsd and have experienced complex and childhood sexual trauma. i am more often than not in pain for a variety of reasons. i do not have an official diagnosis which is something i am always working on. doctors are hard for me for a bunch of super valid reasons.
ohhhhh tell me more.
be careful here, please. i’ve had experiences where people (i’m looking at you cis dudes!) have been super interested in my hard stuff and not much else. i refuse to be trauma porn here for your viewing. check yourself.
there will definitely be a post about this because people really don’t get it most of the time. no, i do not want to be single the rest of my life although there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that.
i have a little bb named Angie. i adopted her 9 January 2016. she turned one in May. she’s a traumatized weirdo, too. she will have lots of posts written about her.
knitting is my thing! i’ve been doing it for… almost 5 years. my Nana started teaching me, and then Youtube and a whole bunch of great people i’ve been at stitch and bitches with or hanging around. knitting is very important for me because it helps me feel grounded and not get so anxious. i started knitting the first time i was in therapy and it was super important to me while i was doing the work. right now i have to pace myself or my wrists and hands find themselves in a lot of pain (it sucks!). i’m also chugging away at learning how to sew. i would like to someday stop buying shirts.
intentional community, what’s that? what do you mean?
i mean so much. another post. i have my work cut out for me. this is where i lived from 2013-2015: http://larchecapebreton.org/
oof. i’ve got so many posts and feelings in me about this. but basically… ugh, there’s nothing basic about answering this question and i honestly have no good answer and it’s super complicated for me atm because of where i am working and where i have “worked”/lived. i take care of adults with intellectual disabilities that the state has deemed needing to be taken care of? i used to say i help people help themselves. sometimes i say i like to hang out with a bunch of cool weirdos like myself and do stuff together and learn from one another. i really don’t know anymore.
Beyoncé? but you seemed so cool… (HA)
go home. i will probably link dump here sometime so you can be responsible and educate yourself on the Queen.
what does _____ mean?
google is your friend.
you wrote something that doesn’t sit well with me, what should i do?
a super gentle, preferably private, calling in would be great. as a super traumatized and anxious person that fights tooth and nail to not shrink herself and take up space (when appropriate) i do not need to feel shamed or like a peace of shit for messing up. let me assure you, i will own it and learn and change my behaviour. i would prefer for this to be done privately so i can be given time to decompress and reflect and then speak to my actions and not feel the need to respond under pressure.
i like something that you wrote can i use it?
i guess so? you better frickin’ credit me though. i will always try my hardest to give credit where credit is due when it comes to whatever i post. people get their work stolen from them all the time, this is not cool. also, we often don’t name who we learn things from and i think this is equally important. i have not come into being who i am out of nowhere. there are so many people and communities who have shaped who i am. on this blog they will be named.
i’ve learned so much from you, thanks!
you’re welcome! thanks for warming the cockles of my heart. i really do appreciate it and it is really important for me to hear these things since i easily doubt myself and will frequently talk about things a lot of people don’t. HOWEVER, if you are learning from me frequently, have you ever thought of giving me money? not joking. therapy is expensive and i think i will often write about what i learn there. living is expensive. also, femmes are magical intuitive beings that often don’t have their work and labour honoured so why not start here?
what’s with the wordy descriptions under your pictures? why do you use that word when this word is more appropriate/accurate? why do you tell me what i’m going to read about in a post before i read it?
trying to make things as accessible as possible, folks. this is something important to me but i am just learning so any (gently) given advice would be the bomb!
also, why do you, like, never capitalize stuff, have shitty grammar, speak in a lot of slang, have so many run on sentences?
fight me. english is such a terrible language for a whole bunch of different reasons (what’s up, colonialism, imperialism, racism, classism– all the things) and also, i will someday write about this, but, being a traumatized kid and trying to learn and figure out all of that shit when i was young was really hard for me and still is. also also the parent that raised me often taught me how to pronounce words “wrong,” etc. so. there are literally so many reasons not to care. #icant and wont anymore ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
you’re taking so long to get back to me, WHY.
i work shift work and am sometimes out (recovering) for days. i also volunteer on a board. i also try to have friends and pals. i also am human.
i assume bla bla bla…
please don’t. humans are complex creatures.
oh my gosh that’s terrible what happened to you, i’m so sorry.
please. save it. that is not helpful in any sort of way at all. i do not have the capacity to comfort you. i’m sorry if you know me and this is new info to you. i have been as open as i can be with people who are close to me. this shit’s complicated, right?
you’re one of the most <insert nice attribute here> people i know, how can you speak so lowly of yourself?
trauma is a complicated thing that literally rewires your brain, that’s how. i really, really, want to speak as honestly and frankly about me and my trauma and how it lives out in my life. this could mean a whole bunch of things. what i write about could be triggering (which of course i will name at the beginning of a post!). what i write about could be surprising. what i write about might be things you don’t want to see/believe. what i write about you might not agree with. example. i am going to try to show what trauma has done to me and the way i see myself. this means that i will write openly about the negative self talk (again, which i will name at the beginning of a post) i usually keep buried because i *know* it’s not true. but i’m going to do it, and i’m going to draw connections that i have figured out/am learning in therapy because i think it is useful and helpful. what i don’t need is people refuting what i write. (that’s not true, kate. you’re one of the smartest people i know. i *know* that and dismissing how i feel/my brain works is denying my experiences and not the point.) tl;dr: please refrain.
some of the stuff you are saying is really speaking to me could we talk more?
maybe?* it is important for you to think this through. if you are just going to dump on me i will probably listen because i have a really hard time saying no. however, please know i am burnt out. please know that i do a lot of care work at my “day job” and irl with my pals. i have done care work basically my whole life and am really good (read: too good) at taking on other people’s stuff. (no joke, we’ll get into this some other time). i’m just starting to figure this out and am trying to get better at asserting my boundaries (read: this is about me and not you, don’t get your feelings hurt here). i’ve been a solid person for a lot of different people and that’s where it’s stopped often. they haven’t decided to do the work and then 1) peaced and left me feeling used or 2) keep coming back talking out the same kind of stuff and staying stagnant in terms of learning/growth while using me. i am not a trained professional. i am just a traumatized person who is super self aware as a consequence of their trauma and has dedicated the past five years to figuring myself out and doing the work. it is called work because it is and IT IS HARD.
*if you are a cis dude you should probably go talk to another cis dude. this is very important. femme people are often sought out by cis dudes to talk to/be vulnerable with because we’re known for being emotional beings (this is like, the one time this trait is not used against us and even then). try doing this work with other cis dudes. it’s gonna be super hard but it is really important. PLEASE.
so, how do we contact you?
traumatizedspinster [at] gmail.com
why are you doing this?
people have told me i should, that i have good thoughts and ideas and that they would read it. i think i believe this deep down. i think it is important to speak your truth. i often don’t do this so i’m going to try.